Friday, July 04, 2003
tripod is not co operating with blogger. and i am having trouble posting properly... i am not comfortable with all these error messages i am receiving, nor do i want to pay for hosting ... not yet.. i'm still in search for a good one. uhh so this has now shifted to a new home kindly hosted by blogspot: have a good
joanne ho
last night was the...that exhibition...with all those darn designers. it reminded me of fucking the wank graffiti exhibition in sydney, only this place was smaller. anyways some pretty cool works. then to revolva to see ash as rash on the stage, and 89 other mcs. and then there were 8, 4, a rematch, then 2, and another fucking rematch. and there was some losery guy who wore a yellow jumper. nevertheless. it was way cool to have seen ash up there.. nevertheless, i saw murray who i hadnt seen for a longlong time and did our first and probably not last every-3-year-catch-up-sesh, was great to see he's still the same vibrant animated, talkative (really not a bad thing) self. crusty and skanky, and how he says, thats AMAYYYZING, or UNBEL*EEEEE*VABLE while he has his waving palms, half open like he was squashing invisible balls. anyway man, it has been a while.
so i was a little disappointed not to have seen ash battle, cos he wouldve kicked. ahh.. well.
raspberry jam on bread, tea, nice warmth. i crash at 909 at the end of the night. or very early morning i guess.
i came home and made this pasta, which i had been craving for since i had it at evs, ev made it and it tasted really good, only i dont know what she put in it, or how she made it, i guessed she used some pesto and some cream......which was what i did,, now i have a whole bowl of pasta....stuff...uneaten still. golly its cold.
dont really have anything to write about. ... i am really fucking cold, trying to feel better about things. cos really. prefuse73 playing sweetly. and i have some fun work to get on with.
jonas, my argentinian mate, tells me, 'i dont know..loneliness...sometimes its like a relieve..sometimes its like a big weight off the spirit, im so fuckinnn poetic.' ahh dunno, made me smile.
joanne ho
Sunday, June 29, 2003
RAC says:
you know how sometimes you dont give a shit that you dont have a girfriend / boyfriend and couldnt give a crap about the opposite sex.. and sometimes you just feel liek you need a companion to sleep next to and hold hands and shit
RAC says:
and shit
well u say that i treat you like a book on a shelf, i dont take you out that often cos i know that i completed you, and thats why you are here, thats the reason you stay here, how awful that must feel. You said you would be my dream. I could have you every night and if, by morning, I had forgotten you, well, no big deal, it would be all right because you are the reoccurring kind. You are the reoccurring kind. You never really leave my mind
mogwai is that kind of music...i guess i made it this way. it reminds me of it, that gnawing feeling. otherwise it is good. i dont know what it is, i dont know if it is better that it reminds me of those times when it used to hurt just sitting here in the dim light, feeling stalled, because i just couldnt figure out what to do and what to decide to do. those times when everything rational was clouded so much that all i could do was write about it, (and talk to someone about it, i feel like i'm more reserved nowadays), as if it were the only way to purge the awful feeling. it was really shit how i still always feel really unproductive during these times. supposed to exploit this free time. free time and not having to worry about money is quite a luxury i can never make full use of.heh.
my cd player is at EVS house. i shall try to be less careless in the future.
joanne ho
most songs on bright eyes cd, lift is what i'm feeling right now, too bad i cant listen to it and that sucks ass...especially for now. because i've misplaced my cd wallet, this same wallet encased my 380$ cd player. i wonder where the fucker it has gone.
joanne ho
Friday, June 27, 2003
whatchu been doin sport?
i enjoy watching sunset 77 on channel 31 on thursday mornings its quite entertaining, there is a fellow, who is the detectives' son (the detective looks way to young to be having a son this old), anyway the point is that his name is cookie. ahh cookie, nice one cookie!
ive spent the last few days doing final cut pro work, with jin, he does most of the work, and i just watch and pick up tips. and been driving quite a bit. my monthly ticket going to waste hah. driving home at about 12ish in the morning... now i have REALLY sleepy eyes., but i keep pushing to stay awake im unsure why. probably cos its too cold to move...really. its really fucking cold in here.
now, as of tomorrow i have about 3 weeks left of semester break. before i journey through my VERY LAST SEMESTER OF MY OFFICIAL GET-A-QUALIFICATION-TYPE-EDUCATION-LIFE, i dunno what to make of it, but i'm trying real hard not to think about it. i am waiting on just having holidays. but i guess, that would put me off too somehow because i would be sitting around consciouly/subconsciously (sometimes i feel like i'm spend money, just while i'm doing nothing...breathing) spending money instead of trying to learn how to make some to survive after uni. huuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh.......
aside aside. i am sleepy and the song this week is stormy waters by ash. it was my fav fav song in highschool. it is mega inspirational song. somehow. stupid it makes me want to go make a super duper wallpaper (woopee) or versionwhatever is the latest of my personal website which i dont have anymore. it was one of those song sback in highschool that pushed me to dream a lot. and the geek i was, i dreamt that i was a really good designer, and had taken a gazillian photos, and made several short films, and had this bohemiam type lifestyle that was set somewhere in europe. ...i cant be too specific about the europe thing....ehh its usually hazy...and also i had seen radiohead a few times. and would be meeting up with and hanging out with mael and johan. but uh. my cool internet 'pals' in europe.
but no just a dream. and this song pretty much hold those dreams.
how fucking cheesy aye.
*shrug* truth in a cliche (a mouldy cheesy phrase i picked up from ricky lake this morning) dreams are what keeps me going.
joanne ho
Sunday, June 22, 2003
in other news. uni is finished for the semester, i completed somewhat mediocre work. i dunno. i quit my job, and this time its really over. no income now. i shall need to go find some other source of income that doesnt require that kind of slaving to earn. my parents are overseas...away again, my great grandfather just past away over the weekend..
yeh.
dont ask me how the 'film' is going. i dunno where its going. at the moment it has stopped, just momentarily. i have ideas in mind. and i'm still motivated. but its just hard..(as ever) to keep myself in focus. a lot of people's enthusiasm is distracting. i should stop socialising or something its not all that great fun anyway. its just ok.
so what the fuck. i am goign to go take a poo, have a shower, paint and fall asleep. drive my brother to school in the morning..and go check out the new womens gym that just opened nearby...then...perhaps cook a meal and go to uni... meet jin and get into editing editign and more editing. so the plan is also to catch igby goes down. or the birds in flight film after. i plan to get a lot done this holidays (as always..always every holidays ever since end of year 12. get into REAL projects). but i'm not going to plan too seriously. or else id probably get nothing done, planning too much loses the human in stuff, and usually forget what the hell i was doing it for. so it was chris...one of jins friends who said taht to me. about losign the human in himself because he was in some frame of mind that was supposed to help discipline him. sure it worked, he learnt the tools, only he made better music when he didnt know how to use the instruments. something along the lines of.
yeh. i should trim out more social life.something like that i said a month ago yeh. i just thought about it when i saw this guy, he puts out work that i totally love, but when i see him day to day, he never reveals anything about himself or anything about it. he never gets you involved...and at best, avoids contact, because he knows, while i keep in contact with his work, there shouldnt be any other contact, i suppose this could contaminate his work, because it is so personal. he seemed very protective, not wanting to talk about what he did at all. i remember when i asked him about his work one time, he stressed it was the anonymity that was the idea. no analysing, no reflecting, no discussing, no objective, no subjective opinion. and most important that most of his work, is and remains anonymous. i guess if you read about what a haiku is, i suppose its a similar definition. i thought about that the other day. one time, i saw this guy walk past my work, he had this tshir that had.. 'fuck off' printed in pretty loud type all over the front, he had messy hair and 3 days of growth on his face. well i need to be able to avoid certain people, without having a tshirt do it for me.
ok. continuing to publish more crap to add to the crap heap.
wtf are all these asian kids doing to altsense? it's become a fucking yahoo album collection. adding more crap to the crap heap. *sigh.
otherwise, i had a great weekend, nice long easy driving to old belle and sebastian songs i hadnt heard in ages, over sleeping, chocolate pudding, fresh salad, new/old mogwai music, lots of loving, grocery shopping with my little brother, seeing my brothers faces when i brought them oily food and lucky cup, high fidelity, nothing to worry about, everything to look forward to. fuck yah. how cheesy is that. but they're the kind of things that i will miss one day.
joanne ho
hello hello
altsense photo album is becoming quite infested by these immigrated asian (fob= fresh off the boat) kids...snapping some of the most lamest crapest stuff. its annoying.
joanne ho
Saturday, June 07, 2003
mother driving me crazy.the older she gets the more intense this is. i can't help but feel really hateful. fuck. how do i deal with this? i'm not quite sure anymore. perhaps i will realise a lot later how to react right. well tonight i concluded that my mother is some foreign person who doesnt get along with me, furthermore, she will not even try to attempt any good communication with me. i dont know i guess all her life i just feel like i owe it to her, like i have to keep trying to get her approval for something, but i gave up somewhere during middle highschool, because no matter how hard i try, i always seem to have fucked up somehow...and it really really pains me that i can never make her happy somehow...i can never even get the right gifts for her...so yeh. i think my mum is just some OTHER woman, who doesnt really know me at all, and is just dislikes me because i am a pain in the ass daughter who likes to cause a lot of stress in her heart, i'm not her ideal daughter, she thinks i'm crazy because i said that i'm not even going to think about taking out a loan to buy a house...why the fuck do i need a house at the age of 21? (the only ones i'd be happy about cost at least 300k-out of the suburbs)she says its her culture not to praise, and to criticise. its kind of fucked i think. its not so much a matter of culture anymore, we've lived here for 13 years, her instinct is still cold as a fucking commie, fucking chinese educators! (she went to a chinese school, my dad went to an 'english' school, major cultural difference back then in malaysia). at least i can communicate to one of them.even with my dad, we share some really good, silent, although intimate moments, its weird cos its like way on the other end of the emotional scale. i dunno. agh.agh.agh. i hear you ev.
joanne ho
Thursday, May 29, 2003
and. i dont understand what the deal is with fairtrade coffee. its just bullshit. its all bullshit. billions and billions of dollars...but i have a starbucks labelled 'fair trade, fair go' tshirt.yipeeee.
joanne ho
fastpace, innercity, youngster, no time to eat,sleep,shit,do homework, because. i am too busy working.getting drunk.smoking. oh remember, its not that i havent stopped learning!
joanne ho
so how annoying is that?
i'm swoooary.
sorry for driving you all silly, i know i nearly killed some people along the way, scared the pants out of some. and tonight, i have a few hours of sleep before i .........get my guts together to hand in that resignation letter. ah it rhymes. speakina bout rhymes i went to this poetry open mic thing tonight. as you can guess there were a lot of..... uhh .. space. anyhow. as well as that. despite all the nasty pinchy obligations, things have been good and good. i can't say or complain about what is going on. so i should just quit writing in this blog aye?
so. fat32 or ntsf?i dunno i dunno. i can't decide to put the beers down or hand it to you, i'll make sure i wont drop them though, can i stop smokign? i guess i can. i reckon i can. with the help of me cutting down on my social life and tuning into things that are more important - those of which i have been trying very hard to do. but ayeeeee. i dunno perhaps that will be easier to tune when i trim out my social life off the flesh of everything else. oh no now i'm speaking in stupid moronic metaphors. pieces. in pieces. my new piece is called in pieces... i may have to pay for thsi one day. but for now, i suppose i should just take what i can and forget about what their thinking because that will bother me more than my own insecurities.
ok i'll shut up now. i miss the small things and the moments and the eyes and the face, and seeing the short hairs growing. warmth and odd sunstreaks and odd sleeping directions. i miss them, they were only a few days ago, but a few days is going so much faster. much faster than.... waiting for something to render, even that takes longer.
sorry.
gnite. hug/kiss/smell you soon soon soon soon.
joanne ho
Sunday, May 25, 2003
turn on your speakers
joanne ho
Sunday, May 18, 2003
lets go back.today i am visiting my past, but nothing siginificant or no particular event, even though the way it has been written sounds like so. put it this way, it is like turning left at this street and driving way way way back...and then stopping off again to check out the air, smells and sounds. i remember being by myself, and feeling that i have some control i remember the that i was not following anything or anybody. or perhaps there was no one to follow. at the moment, i find this very thing most inspiring, at the same time, its the most difficult to attain with a world of people. its really stupid though because the one thing that no one likes to be is lonely.its stupid..cos here i am trying to find that space and time for it. another thing is that, without the help of others, there is not much chance of survival...well..with where i'm going...with the way i'm going. i just dont realise how crucial they all are to be there. the week has gone by, there are things i want to have done... but...i can't seem to find time to even catch up with myself, let alone do anything productive. i'm just so confused right now, that i can't function. its like that.
i could just tell people to fuck off, but thats just really rude. i suppose, they don't want to hear about it anyway. no one wants to hear bout it. no one cares. and thats the feeling i get. its also funny because they probably feel the same way about me. paranoia kicking in. man, what would i do without it?? paranoia mania.
yknow what i'm paranoid about? i'm paranoid because i have this presumption that people don't really give a shit 'how you are'. because they got too much on their plate to hear about it, oh well sure they can listen, but they can't be fucked in anything constructive or helpful. i'm paranoid cos, i go out of my way to try to please people and realise that ... i have gone out of my way only to fuck up my own 'timetable'. i am paranoid because the more i see people, the more i feel incapable of myself. i lose attention and confidence in myself, and become disfunctional, indecisive and really fucked up. but yknow, people dont care..because they expect me to be ok, the whole time they tell me about their problems. which are, to me always half ridiculous, and really just... pussy. (who am i to say all this? who is this biatch to make these claims???? she can go fuck herself!!)
at the moment i admire these people off the top of my head, i admire rupert, i admire jon. they are two people whom i know have schedules that could make mine look like a life holiday. they're two people that dont let other things interrupt their enthusiasm. at the same time, still have the compassion to listen and understand when i have a massive bitch about life in general. and their responses are always really constructive. they remind me of where i stand...when i'm in the dark so to speak. i dont speak to them half as much as the people i have in contact with today, but just generally i feel this way about them. and its funny, cos we never 'catch up', ...or go 'have coffee' (jane), there is just no time for that shit. its all just work work work. bambambam.
enthusiasm. wondering where mine went, somebody told me a while ago that i had 'so much' of it. enthusiasm turned into paranoia mania.
joanne ho
Saturday, May 10, 2003
yehhhhhhhhhhhh
so i'm not gonna quit. cos i get a pay rise soon.
joanne ho
Saturday, May 03, 2003
i am going to quit my job. all i can think about is free time. i cant wait for the free time..
i feel like a whore everytime i get out of work..tired, dirty, grouchy (with money in the bank).
hm.. i dont know how to write a letter of resignation..
i'm feeling somewhat disillusioned with this film i am working on. i think the reason for it maybe because the people i'm work fairly closely with are so far ahead of me, and am intimidated by it. i think i am also discouraged by the fact that the film has (at this point) turned into something that was not originally 'mine'.. not going the way i would like it to go...and... i have no idea how to turn it back...perhaps this could be rectified in the post prod./ editing process. I think having other people look at it has confirmed this disturbing thought in my mind...(this which actually was the original thrust of the film).. the thought of having all these ideas and discoveries that could never be made known or communicated only because i struggle and try too hard to make it work...and..usually it leads to...losing sight of the message in the first place. i feel like everytime i try to tell somebody about my ideas...i stage another performance of a naive baffled clown. I guess...the scariest thought is that it confirms that i am just really unsure. .reminds me of the passage.....drifting endlessly above a continent that is the arbitrary...
perhaps i'll just go back to my hellohobo script.
i am in the process of putting up a website as well. i might put up the beginnings of it now. its progressive and archival..sort of like a scrapbook, at the moment, still converting the content into jpgs/swfs/htmls.
although everything seems messed, i feel there are some other things that have come to focus. .. i guess i make better decisions quicker these days...i remember always struggling. (creatively, needs to be working on, but with other things) ..i feel like somethings are accomplished. quitting my job is one of those. i wonder how things will be. anyway.
joanne ho
Monday, April 14, 2003
to get on with it.
i got back from sydney today. arrived home, and my dad was like... ' i just need drop by here to get this'..then led to, 'oh we need to get birthday cake for jonathan..what should i get him for his birthday..' then it was like.. 'so you were talking about getting a new phone.. ' - i got a new phone.. only its now under my name. anyways, so then its like. fucking nearly 3something..and i 'm like.. can we go home.. i'm fucking tired..and then, 'ok but just gotta pop in safeway to get some rolls.'.. actually i was not really looking forward to going home either, because my 'very courteous-half australian-intellectual-conservative-professor type-relatives' were over..and i thought FUCK i have to be well mannered and do the chit chat thing. .. i couldnt be fucked.. i did the 'oh i'm SO tired'. so then, luckily i was left alone.. i walked into my bedroom to find that my sheets and covers had been changed to this really really bright red pink tacky floral pattern... FUCK ME again. at that point i wanted to throw up. it is great to be back in melbourne. but so fucked to be back in the confines of home.
sydney was real good hey. i traveled business class up and back, compliments of daddy who is employed by qantas. ..i had the same meals up and back...cold soba salad with salmon..only on the way back, the salmon was cook.. class. heh. (average) well semi good, aka semi permanent, semi alright. semi mediocre but fucking full of wank semi design conference. it was ok hey, like they showed their work and that was pretty cool. but, as people, as i expected, just a bunch of 'i'm too cool to talk to you, cos i know you are just a student/wannabe me and where i am' attitude. but i have to say, they were chosen for a reason and that is they started out and made stuff, and showed off their brilliance or... mediocreness..whatever..they did something hey. well. kudos to that. and fuck anymore wank conferences. its kind of depressing watchign so many people so into this. but at the same time, its great, just like sharing information is like sharing ...stuff. i dunno i'm really fucked up and incoherant, just like my 4 day weekend at sydney, i couldnt stop thinking and got intense migraines cos i tried to stop thinking, also cos i was smoking..and passive smoking with my fellow friends, who all smoke.
anyways other than that shit, sydney is a really shit place to be hey, like. you go around and all i could think was, i'm so fucking glad i dont live here. (i love saying that to people from sydney) we stumbled across some places that had reminisce (that the word?) of melbourne in it, only it was not quite there. we found one dingy bar/club (always good), called 77 (cos it was on #77, williams st - e55..HA! HA!), which that night happened to be indie night.just like weekender, but not there. a psuedo weekender, is what we call it, - the best night of the 3, only at this psuedo weekender, they served their drinks in plastic cups, and was crawling with motivated perverts. oh we also saw a band called 'template' who were impressive, hard-indie-rock, similar to hood, but only 3 piece, drumbassguitar. so.. .ok..psuedo weekender, psuedo russell, bourke, swanston street, and a fucking massive, messy and infected china town. we were staying at a place that was in the middle of china town, which isnt all bad, but was ..well funny. we were just glad to remember that we didnt live, or come from there. its a great holiday destination to not give a fuck, (at pubs, they dont have pots, instead they have scooners, if u ask for a pot, they think you're a complete dickhead) cos hey, its sydney. by the way, the city is full of killer cars, cars that dont stop at the red light, cars that will willingly RUN YOU OVER at 80ks per hour where there is heavy traffic of PEOPLE are walking alongside. its fucking insane. the cars and the roads and the buildings, are just totally messed up and the fucking muggy weather. visiting sydney city is full of touristy attractions, so were pretty unsuccessful with some decent cool spots, we spent a couple of nights trying to find some good places but usually eventuating in some tabaret pub/bar- anywhere that served alcohol had to do. dont tell me the good bars in melbourne are hidden, they're everywhere. anwyay, so much for the sights. i didnt get to see much of it. ..well bondi beach.. spent more time in the bookshop there ..didnt actually even step on the beach.. well i could safely say, if you dont know where you're goin, theres not much hey.. well theres china town around the corner, .. its like visiting some asian country, where u get to spit on the floors and buy sharkfin soup on the street. and get your head massaged on the street for 15fucking$, by some skinny asian dude continually asking in his yucky breath if 'you're comfortable'... no but my head really hurts..i thought this would help but now i realise i'm just seriously not thinkign straight.. ahhh its fucking sydney, its a holiday, weekend off, no work, no parents, relax.. relax relax.relax.relax.. ...my mind refuses. so i just keep moving along.
my bed welcomes me. i miss bob.and i miss melbourne. i miss my comfortable life. glad to be back. hope you're all well
are you on holiday? well like me, you should be, ok well, if you have any time off, i am planning to go see some films: city of god, 24 hour party people, punch drunk love, and a couple more. lemme know if you're up for it sometime this week. or e55 for more random stuff.
btw, i just downloaded the first 6 live tracks by squarepusher, iits wiiicked. ohhh i miss music. i havent listend to music in a while.
joanne ho
Wednesday, April 09, 2003
tired and happy..
joanne ho
Friday, April 04, 2003
riiiiiiiiiiight
today at work. bex pointed out how i say 'right' before i dive into a task at work. it reminded me of how a fellow workmate, debs would randomly yell.. 'yeah? what? YEAH? WHAT? fark yer'.
also today. was a cold day.i've never bought smokes before.. only once for a kid who asked me. actually. i remember last night i dreamt about buying smokes. hopefully ev will smoke them all. before i get a chance. i remember also in this dream, there were huge lollipops being sold on some street and bob was picking out one he liked, i remember big department store type place, it was a pretty calming place.. because.. it was somewhat..dark, gloomy...but comfortable..like my warm bed at night.
also today. i am staying home to do homework. but its now. 10.45..and i'm ..writing in my blog.. fuck time goes quick.. happy birthday to a really lovely guy whom i've just met recently named luke doogal. i feel bad for not going to his party.....i was told i was to change my lifestyle. *shrug.
i read evs blog for the first time in a while.. and.. if u read her longer monday entry.. well she has described the same sort of sit. i am in now. (ref, do a 'find' on "moron metaphor".) ev calls it stupid, i call it stupid. we both agree that its stupid. bob calls it the doogal syndrome. overprotective parents.. are weird. are... i dunno. i dont know if they're trying to get over the fact that their kid is growing up? and are capable of feeding itself with money they earnt on their own.. or they're just being really really really concerned parents (which also can tie in with the previous comment). i find myself in an awkward position trying to look from their point of view. if i were to have a kid, who is i believe mature enough to handle '...something'.. then yeh. why not. *shrug. well. well........... wellll.... not for me to say. *SHUTSUP
i'm going to sydney next weekend for semi permanent conference. wootee ho ho hoh ohohooooooooooooooooo. yeh. yeh so i gotta change my lifestyle. the first things i gotta do when i come home is format my harddrive and get this stupid firewire card/port thing to work. fucking xp. xp is CRAP. it sucks. it screws up your computer. apparently if you clean out your hard drive and i mean CLEAN..format everything, and install 2000, your computer may not funciton properly. apparently.. WTF is UP WITH THAT? uh. oh i'm falling asleep... nooooooooooo
okokokok gotta do homework.
gnite.
herspaceholiday- 'dj and the doctor' is a damn nice song. and so is 'home is where you hang yourself'. lovely scenes/pictures listening to this music
joanne ho
Saturday, March 29, 2003
crunch. time
feel like shit, cos i'm sick. but i dont stop.doing.what..i have to.do.
uh
i hope everybody is well.
joanne ho
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